1/15/2024 0 Comments Poor life decisionsThat will only lead to resentment and further distancing.Įven in the toughest times, endeavor to be their greatest cheerleader. If you need to have a conversation, and you will, make sure you aren’t just unloading your feelings on them. It’s never a good idea to dump our “stuff” on them. Don’t dump your anger and frustration on your child. Get to know her beyond what is breaking your heart.” It worked! Eventually, her daughter turned the corner on her choices. When the woman asked me what she should do, I said, “Since she already knows how you feel, take her to dinner once a week and talk about other things. I know a woman whose daughter had left her family’s values behind and was living the life of what might be called a party girl. You don’t have to give up your values to keep the relationship strong. Don’t be a one-topic parent.Įven in the depths of heartbreak and worry, you still need to bring a balanced approach to the relationship. Their crisis doesn’t need to be your crisis.Ĭrisis is almost always self-defined, which means that what you consider to be a crisis may not be a crisis to your child or vice versa. Don’t allow your adult children to make their problems your problems. If you take on the consequences your child should be experiencing, you are robbing them of an opportunity for growth and change. The purpose of tough love is to stop the problematic behavior and encourage positive growth and responsibility in your adult child.ĭon’t confuse tough love with meanness.The purpose of meanness is to be hurtful, which is the opposite of tough love. Tough love is intended to put your child on the path to healing and wholeness. Tough love is not being willing to bail your son out of a financial crisis one more time, even if it costs him dearly. Tough love might mean not allowing a drug-using adult child to move back into your home without first getting help. You offer tough love when you set firm limits and enforce consequences. Tough love is a disciplined and strongly expressed boundary to promote responsible behavior and long-term change. No one said parenting a child who violates your values would be easy, but the best chance for success is when there is good communication and understanding between you. WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR ADULT CHILD MAKES REGRETTABLE CHOICES Lewis wrote, “Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.” Your child’s failures may well become the foundation for a whole new life. Sometimes they take the form of a rapid change, but most times they are a slow climb toward a better life.Īuthor C.S. It may be too late for prevention, but it’s never too late for redemption. Your child’s regrettable decisions do not make you a bad parent. Even good parents have children who make poor choices. When your young-adult kids have serious adult-sized problems, the kind that can derail a healthy and productive life, your heart may break, but your child’s choices don’t have to break you. No doubt about it, ‘big children bring on bigger problems.’” One woman said to me, “I’ve been through a lot of pain in my life, but I’ve never felt heartbreak like I have through the poor choices of my kids.” A friend of mine whose son struggled with drug and sex addictions put it this way: “It feels like a death. The what-ifs can paralyze our souls and wreak havoc on our confidence as parents. One of the greatest heartbreaks for a parent is watching a child waste his or her life, potential, or opportunities with poor choices. Would this have happened if we hadn’t argued so much?.Would this have happened if my marriage hadn’t failed?.Would this have happened if I had been more spiritual, or if we had prayed more.Would this have happened if I’d been a better parent?. When an adult child violates our values, makes poor choices, or gets in deep trouble, we often question our parenting abilities.
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